My client told me she was always tired, lacking stamina and vitality. Her interest in some of her previous activities was waning, and she was becoming increasingly isolated. What she wanted was to develop a greater sense of inner peace and more vitality in order to pursue her goal of changing careers.
One of the "secrets" that is sometimes disclosed in a coaching relationship where a high level of safety has been established is the client’s concern that there is something essentially wrong with him or her. The individual may feel that there is little hope that they can make a personal change that will result in any real difference in his or her work or personal life. I frequently hear this from clients who have done a great deal of previous self-development work (i.e., therapy, personal growth workshops, etc), and who seem to be quite self-aware, yet still describe their experience in terms of "something is still missing." They report that they tend to fall back into their old patterns—whether that includes excessive eating, drinking, TV, sex, worry, procrastination, or any of the many addictive patterns. It was this "secret" that the client shared with me.
This feeling that something is inherently wrong within the person quietly gnaws away at the sense of self, draining away energy and vitality and creating more rigid defenses so as to protect the person from experiencing this feeling. The belief that one is fundamentally flawed is so unacceptable, that it typically remains well-hidden under heavily conditioned thought, feeling, belief and behavioral patterns. No wonder a person feels utterly fatigued! What often comes as a surprise to a client is that he or she is not alone in this experience.
When it does surface and is recognized by the client, we celebrate together. It generally represents a momentous break-through, and it's beneficial to have the client recognize that something has opened up. Of course, this is moment of great vulnerability.
My client's next question was, "Well, now that I know this, what use is it? What can I do with it?" I asked in return, "What part of you is telling you that something is wrong with you? What part is saying that there is no hope?" She observed that it sounded like the voice of truth, like "the voice of God." I reminded her that the voice of the superego is the internalized voice of authority figures from our childhood which sets our internal rules for how we should be. No matter how irrelevant the voice is, it can mistakenly sound like "the voice of God."
Where we human beings get ourselves into trouble and rooted in dated, unhealthy, and unproductive habits is when we become so identified with the voice of the superego that we believe and let it run our lives. My experience is that unless we have a trusted, objective coach or other collaborator to help us witness and identify this internal process, it is very difficult to see it in ourselves.
We worked on bringing forth that part of her awareness that could observe her while being compassionate and nonjudgmental. For her "homework," I asked her to become curious about this voice, and observe it when it came up.
Maintaining this inner practice of noticing without judgment represents a major shift in how we organize our lives. "Noticing without judgment" is a beginning to developing self- trust and trust in the process of creating sustainable change for revitalizing one's life.
Here are some additional insights from this coaching that may have value for the reader:
- There is FAR more to our existence than the superego (inner critic) would have us believe.
- Being willing to notice one's own inner dialogue without needing to do anything about it, begins to quiet the inner struggle that has often felt like an inner battle zone.
- The inner quieting leads to a sense of more inner peace.
- Approaching both our inner and external life with a sense of curiosity creates a sense of lightness and serves as a reminder of the amazing inner resources that are available to support one in moving forward.
Copyright ©2002-2004. All rights reserved. Roxanne Howe-Murphy.